Teatime with Evil
by Silver Neo
Summary: Old friends bond best over a nice cup of tea. Especially when those old friends are Minister of Magic and the most infamous dark wizard known to the world. Oh, and when the tea is raspberry, of course.


Teatime with Evil

By: Silver Neo

Summery: Old friends bond best over a nice cup of tea. Especially when those old friends are Minister of Magic and the most infamous dark wizard known to the world. Oh, and when the tea is raspberry, of course.

Pairings: Assorted

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"Madam Minister?"

The voice was small and soft. That meant it was only Andrea. Hermione liked Andrea. She had graduated from a private wizarding school only a year ago, and still had an innocence to her that made Hermione want to coo and pet her and feel her treats like a little dog. Instead Hermione gave her easy jobs, paid her more than she should, and allowed her to be late with delivering lunch time tea.

After all, Hermione had a soft spot for cute things.

"Yes, Andrea?" She asked calmly, resisting the urge to stand and pet her. The first time she did it Andrea sqeaked. It had been adorable, but for the next week she had blushed and stuttered and it only made things harder for poor Hermione.

Blushing, for the younger girl had never really gotten use to Hermione's mere presences, Andrea pushed back her hair, trying to look more professional than she really was. "Madam, there's a Emilio Francesher here to see you. He says you are having tea together."

Blinking, for her attention had been focused on the light pink that covered Andrea's cheeks, Hermione paused. She didn't remember planning tea with an Emilio Franchester. No, today she was supposed to have tea and a chat with Lord Vold...

"Oh." She muttered, recalling her tea mate's habit of changing his name with every visit. "Yes, yes. Please send him in. And would you be so kind as to prepare your wonderful raspberry tea for us?" This was added as an after thought. Yes, if Andrea weren't so cute she would still get away with bringing in the tea late, because her raspberry tea was delicious.

As the girl fluttered off (And Hermione only ever referred to it as fluttering, because Andrea reminded her of a little bird when she ran) Hermione waved her wand to clear up her office of loose papers and other clutter. The last minister had been so disorganized. Her first act as minister had been to completely redo her office. She had hired Blaise Zabini to organize all the old files from Fudge's day. It had taken a month, almost two, but one day he arrived at her door with a bottle of champagne and a box filled with chocolate cake, declaring the job was done. Both got viciously wasted, which ended in Blaise having some sordid affair with Neville and Pansy, while Hermione recorded the whole thing. Whenever she wanted something from any of them she would mention the tape, and instantly be rewarded with results. Unless she was talking with Pansy. Pansy actually would stop by and watch the tape with her every few months or so.

Snapping out of her daydream Hermione glanced up as Lord Tom "Voldemort" Riddle himself swept into her office. His robes billowed behind him, but Hermione didn't let it affect her. She knew he had begged Snape to teach him the trick, even offering to give up his precious snake in exchange.

"Morning, Emilio." She muttered, waving a hand in a flippant manner. He didn't respond, already billowing past her towards her patio. The patio had been Fudge's, but he never used it. Hermione, however, used it almost weekly. She loved having lunchtime tea with Harry, Pansy, or even Andrea. Especially Andrea.

"Hermione." Voldemort muttered with a quick nod of his head. Such a drama queen. Honestly, Hermione didn't know why anyone feared him. She certainly didn't, and now that he had agreed to stop tormenting the wizarding world at large no one else really feared him either. Except Ron. But, that was only because he had woke up next to a naked Lord Voldemort after Neville and Blaise's second anniversary party.

Pushing away from her desk Hermione strolled over calmly, plopping into a chair with all the grace of a hippo in roller blades. She was a minister, for god's sake, and therefore could get away with a little lack of grace. "So, how's it hanging?" She finally asked, wondering when Andrea would reappear with her wonderful tea.

Still sitting like he was wearing a back brace, Voldemort would appear to most the ideal dictator. And evil over lord, through and through. But, luckily for her, Hermione knew better than to fear him. Seeing the lack of reaction Voldemort shrugged casually. "I once again find myself lacking a bed partner." He muttered, looking a little like a kicked puppy.

"Oh, Ginny kicked you out again?" Hermione mused over the red head's temper, wondering what could have set her off this time. "You didn't call her your bed partner to her face, did you?"

One eyebrow raised in response. "Hardly. I enjoy the fact that my eyebrows have grown back, thank you very much." A hand even reached up, as though making sure all eyebrows were accounted for.

As Voldemort was in the mist of enjoying his face hair, Andrea returned with her tea. Her lovely, wonderful, godlike tea. Hermione purred. "Why, thank you, sweetie." She cheered, lovingly tracing one hand through the girl's hair. The teakettle almost fell, but Hermione's other hand steadied it. She didn't want to wait any longer for the delicious tea. After both cups were filled and the kettle placed carefully on the table Hermione even placed a quick kiss on the girl's cheek, watching in amusement as her assistant fled back to her own office. "She's so cute when she's all flustered like that."

Glancing up from his teacup, a bright pink Victorian thing that Hermione had inherited from her grandmamma, Voldemort shrugged. "I suppose. A little uptight though." Coughing a bit, Voldemort waited for the conversation to return to the more important matter. Like why his wife had kicked him out of their house.

"Alright, alright Voldie. I'll bite. What'd you do to piss off Ginny?" Hermione was already use to this. Voldemort, or Tommy to Ginny, would do something to upset the red head, then he'd complain to Hermione, and for a few days he'd sleep on the couch in Draco and Harry's house, until crawling home to beg for forgiveness. It was a vicious cycle, but one that could be stopped if Voldemort would just think before acting.

Pausing in what he considered a dramatic fashion, Voldemort prepared to launch into a long-winded tale of romance, passion, and tragedy. "My beloved wife had bought a new dress, one of those slinky numbers that showed off her hips, but when asked for my opinion she became enraged when I said as much. And now, I am alone in the world, without a shoulder to cry on, or a lovely red head to feel up." For a moment he stopped, gazing thoughtfully into his cup. "Do you think Ronald has dropped the restraining order?" He asked with a slightly hopeful look.

"Don't count on it." Hermione muttered before sipping her own tea. Delicious. She would simply have to give Andrea a raise. "So, wait a minute. Did you say that the dress flattered her hips?"

"Of course." Voldemort declared, looking aghast that he may have said anything else.

Munching on a cookie, Hermione thought carefully over how that could have possibly upset Ginny. Last time "Tommy" flattered her hips she had jumped him. And Hermione should know. It had been at her office party. "What were your exact words?"

Clearing his throat, for dramatics only, Voldemort recited the words with a deeper tone than normal. All for show, really. "My dearest wife, your hips dominate my mind in such apparel!" He smiled, as though proud that he had remembered such praise. Or that he had created it.

"Well, that explains it." Hermione snorted, looking unimpressed. "She must have thought you were saying her hips are big."

A pause. And then, "Oh, my dearest must be so upset!" He whimpered, already flinging himself out of his chair to rush home to his obviously heart broken wife.

"Sit down." The minister ordered.

He did.

Again Hermione snorted, glancing towards Voldemort's unfinished tea. It would be such a waste if he didn't finish that. And then Andrea might feel insulted. Never a good thing. "Finish your tea. I'm sure she's still upset, but she'll forgive you if you show up later with some flowers. Just make sure you explain the situation to her."

Nodding, as though he understood the mysteries of a woman's mind, Voldemort sipped at his tea again. Hermione noticed his outstretched pinkie, but kept her mouth shut. He was obviously still in a mood, and she didn't want to call Blaise back to reorganize her office after one of Voldemort's well-known temper tantrums.

"So..." The silence drew out before the former dark lord smiled brightly. "How is my favorite follower's son doing? Are he and that blasted boy an item?"

Not bothering to feel absurd over gossiping with the former dark lord Hermione simply nodded. "Their anniversary is next week." She mumbled gazing at the kettle with looks most associated with lovers. "I think they said they're going to prank the school again. Too kept the kids on their toes." After Dumbledore died Harry had taken over as Headmaster of Hogwarts, though the title didn't really matter since he also taught History of Magic. Binns had retired, and for once students in Hogwarts actually cared about their History class. Draco taught there as well, as the new Divination's teacher. Trelawney had died a few years before from food poisoning. All and all it was a perfectly normal death, unless you counted the note she had written on her napkin before dying. 'I saw that coming.'

"Ah, yes. Draco Malfoy has grown to look remarkably like his father, don't you think. Oh, his father was so crafty, so evil back in his youth." If only because of the happy look in Voldemort's eyes as he reminiscence about his days as an evil over lord, Hermione decided to keep her mouth shut. After all, Draco looked more like his mother now, sporting a bright shade of blonde hair. She even wondered if Voldemort kept track of Lucius now a days. If not, she could easily induce a heart attack merely by mentioning the new bed partner he and lady Malfoy had with them.

'Honestly, I can't believe Snape is kinkier than me.' Instead of voicing her opinion (She wanted to avoid bloodshed so early in the day) Hermione just nodded. "Of course. Oh, did you hear? Ronald and Lavender are expecting a baby now. It's actually rather funny. Lavender suggested the name Tom if it was a boy and Ron had a nervous break down. You really did traumatize him."

Preening now, though Hermione would never admit to anyone else she'd seen such a sight, Voldemort looked pleased and girlish. "Yes, Ginny and I are thinking about starting a family. Though, she wants me to carry the babies. Something about ruining her figure and not being able to eat tuna."

Poor tea, Hermione thought briefly as she snorted into her cup, sending some of the delicious drink up her nose in a painful fashion. Still, the mental picture of a pregnant Voldemort made up for it.

"What about you, dear? Anyone special in your life?" Voldemort asked, sipping his tea, pinkie still extended. "I overheard Pansy telling Ginny about her new affair with the Patil twins, so I assume that means your casual little thing is finished."

Hermione shrugged, a little put out that he knew already. After all, it'd only been a week since Pansy and Hermione put a stop to their fling. It was only about sex, after all, but it was good sex. Still, Pansy deserved a real relationship, and if the twins gave it to her, so be it. "I'm actually fine. You know it was only physical, so I'm not really that's upset."

Surprisingly, even though she was busy as the Minister of Magic, Hermione really did have an active social life. She'd even taken to keeping a small list, though with mild vanity she was allowed to scoff at the term little. 'Pansy, Blaise, Katie Bell, Terry Boot, Lisa Turpin, Luna Lovegood, and an assorted number of fine officials from Poland.'

Still, Voldemort would hear nothing of it. He seemed convinced that the woman before her was about to have an emotional breakdown, and as her closest friend and confidant, it was his job to witness it. Or maybe that was just a perk. Who knows? "Darling, I'm sure I can hook you up with someone if you're in need of a little romance." His eyelashes fluttered and for a moment Hermione was convinced Voldemort spontaneously switched genders.

Mentally stunned by the idea of an escort service run by the former dark lord, Hermione really couldn't respond. "Gee, Voldie, I'm touched. Honestly, I think I'll be fine."

As if on cue a twittering girl stuck her head into the room. "Do you need anything else, Madam Minister? More tea or cookies?"

"Of course not, Andrea. My guest and I are almost finished." Pausing to flutter her own eyelashes, almost as though to show up the dark lord, Hermione smirked. "Well, maybe a little more of your wonderful tea? If you'd please?"

Andrea nodded frantically before fluttering off. From his seat Voldemort clucked a little, sipping his tea with his pinkie stuck outward. She wouldn't acknowledge that. She never did. Instead she swept away a few crumbs and headed back to her desk. Of course Voldemort followed, unable to harass the minister from a different room.

"Well, I guess I should be going. Ginny will probably let me back in if I buy her some presents, or something along those lines. Women still like flowers, don't they?" He looked thoughtfully at the lilies growing just outside Hermione's office window.

Knowing that she'd be able to find him during her next visit to Draco and Harry, Hermione simply smiled and shooed Voldemort off. Visits with him were fun, but so stressful. Collapsing onto her chair the curly haired witch became convinced that the Dark Ages of Wizarding history had all been an ongoing hissy fit from an undisciplined wizard. 'What a waste of effort. At least Ginny's there to put him in his place.' She thought happily before erupting in giggles. It was in the fashion that Andrea found her.

"Madam Minister? Is something the matter?" The girl asked nervously.

"Oh, no, no." Hermione muttered, waving her hand dismissively. "Come in. We'll have some tea."


End file.
